Sex

[Old Cruser]

  SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

 Two men  were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" 
"Oh,  nothing special. I'm having Social Security  sex."
"Social  Security sex"
"Yeah,  you know; I get a little each month, but not  enough to live on!"
   
 
LOUD  SEX
A wife  went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a  big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and  my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear  splitting yell."


"My  dear," the shrink said, "that's completely  natural. I don't see what the problem  is."
"The  problem is," she complained, "it wakes me  up!"
 
QUIET  SEX   Tired of  a listless sex life, the man came right out and  asked his wife during a recent lovemaking  session, "How come you never tell me when you  have an orgasm?"
She  glanced at him casually and replied, "You're  never home!" 

CONFOUNDED  SEX
A man  was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood"  was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor  assured him that modern medicine could give him  back his manhood, but that his  insurance  wouldn't cover the surgery since it was  considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost  would be 3,500 for "small, 6,500 for "medium,  14,000 for "large."

The man  was sure he would want a medium or large, but  the doctor urged him to talk it over with his  wife before he made any decision. The man called  his wife on the phone and explained their  options. The doctor came back into the room, and  found the man looking dejected.

"Well,  what have the two of you decided?" asked the  doctor.
  The man  answered, "She'd rather remodel the  kitchen."


 WEDDING  ANNIVERSARY  SEX

A  husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the  day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The  husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a  headstone that reads:   'Here  Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'." 

"Yeah,"  she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a  headstone that reads Here Lies  My Husband  - Stiff At Last


WOMEN'S  HUMOROUS SEX

My  husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and  said, "This will make you happy tonight." 
He was  right. When he went out of the bedroom, I  squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't  get back in.

ELDERLY  SEX

One  night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up  pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor  assisted living apartment. Killing him instantly.

Brought  before the court on charge of murder, the judge  asked her if she had anything to say in her defence. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could  have sex ...  He could fly."