More one-liners

[Old Cruser]

That will be a first then 

[Fly]

If I can stop smoking after 30 years, some other things should come easy.
Let's see 

[Alsatian]

251. I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it

252. When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise!

253. She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.

254. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

255. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

256. They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

257. I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

258. Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

259. I sometimes go to my own little world, but that’s okay, they know me there.

260. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

261. My drinking team has a bowling problem.

262. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

263. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

264. It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.

265. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

266. I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

267. If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?

268. Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.

269. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

270. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

271. Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

272. Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.

273. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed

274. The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.

275. Silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

276. The farther away the future is, the better it looks.

277. Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: “There’s a naked person outside!”

278. Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.

279. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

280. I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying

[Old Cruser]

 
Some good ones there - not sure which to pick

[Alsatian]

281. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

282. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

283. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

284. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.

285. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.

286. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

287. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

288. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

289. Constipated people don’t give a crap.

290. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

291. Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

292. Without ME, it’s just AWESO.

293. If you do not say it, they can’t repeat it.

294. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.

295. Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

296. If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.

297. Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

298. You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

299. I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.

300. You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?

301. You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

302. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

303. Roses are red violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.

304. Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

305. If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

306. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.

307. Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!

308. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

309. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

310. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

311. Strangers have the best candy.

312. Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

313. Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

314. Trust but verify.

315. The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

316. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

317. The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

318. Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

319. I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again.

320. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

[Alsatian]

And finally:-

321. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

322. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

323. Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

324. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.

325. Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.

326. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

327. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

328. It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

329. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

330. I think, therefore I’m single.

331. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.

332. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

333. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

334. I bet you I could stop gambling.

335. The only difference between the people I’ve dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

336. Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.

337. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

338. Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!

339. If a dog sniffs your ass, you’re probably a bitch.

340. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.

341. Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.

342. 668 – The neighbour of the beast.

343. I love oral sex…it’s the phone bill I hate.

344. Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

345. Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

346. I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

347. The last time someone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years!

348. Squirrels – nature’s speed bumps.

349. When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?

350. It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

351. There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

352. The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common “enemy”.

353. Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.

354. With a calendar, your days are numbered.

355. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

356. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

357. It’s not the bullet that kills you, it’s the hole.

358. I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”

359. If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.

360. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

361. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

362. A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.

363. A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

364. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

365. Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.

366. Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.

367. If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!

368. Beauty is only skin deep…but ugly goes all the way to the bone!

369. A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.

370. A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

371. Most women don’t know where to look when they’re eating a banana.

372. If you go to sleep with a itching ass you will wake up with a stinking finger …

373. Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?

374. We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour

375. If you’re going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!

376. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that se for money usually costs a lot less.

[Old Cruser]

281. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

282. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

283. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

284. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.

285. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.

286. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

287. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

288. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

289. Constipated people don’t give a crap.

290. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

291. Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

292. Without ME, it’s just AWESO.

293. If you do not say it, they can’t repeat it.

294. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.

295. Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

296. If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.

297. Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

298. You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

299. I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.

300. You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?

301. You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

302. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

303. Roses are red violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.

304. Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

305. If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

306. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.

307. Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!

308. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

309. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

310. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

311. Strangers have the best candy.

312. Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

313. Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

314. Trust but verify.

315. The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

316. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

317. The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

318. Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

319. I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again.

320. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Crickey Mr Corgi there's a lot there.

Ok 284,285,316, 309 

[Old Cruser]

251. I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it

252. When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise!

253. She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.

254. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

255. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

256. They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

257. I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

258. Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

259. I sometimes go to my own little world, but that’s okay, they know me there.

260. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

261. My drinking team has a bowling problem.

262. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

263. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

264. It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.

265. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

266. I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

267. If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?

268. Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.

269. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

270. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

271. Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

272. Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.

273. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed

274. The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.

275. Silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

276. The farther away the future is, the better it looks.

277. Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: “There’s a naked person outside!”

278. Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.

279. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

280. I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying

Right then 271 and 271 - very true